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Separation and Divorce
Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.
A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, finances, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner, will you cope? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.
Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to consider how you can best help your children cope with the tremendous loss this also brings to them.
After divorce, the role of spouse/partner ends, yet the role of parent continues. You may find it helpful to stop and think about the following questions:
- How do I manage parenting if my former spouse/partner and I can’t get along?
- How can I get along with my former spouse/partner well enough to parent our children together?
Co-parenting means both parents play an active role in your children’s day-to-day lives. The key to successful co-parenting arrangements is how well the parents function. What works best for some divorced/separated parents may not work well for others.
Talk with other divorced/separated parents for ideas. Then decide with your former partner on the best parenting arrangement for you, your former partner and your children. If your family has faced serious problems, such as family violence, child abuse, high conflict, or parental substance abuse, then co-parenting may not be the best option for your family.
Research has shown that some of the benefits of co-parenting include:
- Children develop feelings of stability.
- Children continue relationships with both parents.
- Children are less likely to feel torn between their parents.
- Children are less likely to feel abandoned.
- Children are less likely to feel they have to meet the social and emotional needs of their parents.
- Children are more likely to thrive and have less problems
In every separation or divorce, parents need to recognise the importance of finishing what they started—raising their children. Separation and divorce are difficult for most children. They benefit when they have relationships with both parents and they tend to adjust better to divorce/separation when:
- They have a good relationship with both of their parents.
- Both parents respond to the needs of their children.
- Parents don’t argue, especially when their children are present.
- Parents don’t place their children in the middle of their conflicts.
What a co-parenting arrangement includes
Parents must decide what aspects of parenting to share. This will often depend on where children live, how often they see each of their parents, and the parents’ ability to discuss issues with one another without conflict or “rehashing” the past. Ask yourself:
What decisions will you need to make? Some of the “standard categories” are decisions about education, religion, extra-curricular activities, medical and mental health treatment, sporting events, and social activities.
How you will make the decisions? Will you talk with one another? Write letters? Write emails? Meet once a year over coffee to discuss the major decisions and how your children are doing?
How and when you will talk to your ex-partner? For example, will you only talk to one another when a decision has to be made? Maybe when you “exchange” the children? Will you set up a regular time once a month to check in with each other? Will you send emails to each other? Communicating in a ‘peaceful way’ is key. Your children will benefit hugely from this.
How will you arrange and share schedules? When will the children see each of their parents? How flexible do you want to be in scheduling? What if your ex-partner is 30 minutes late? How will you decide to deal with this? Will the schedule vary with school or summer schedule? Will the schedule change as children get older, and will the children have a say in what they want?
Who will arrange childcare when neither parent is available? If one parent is unavailable, will the other parent have “first refusal?” Will the children go to the same babysitter? Or will they have a different babysitter near each parent’s home? How might extended family help out, and would this be beneficial for the family overall? Consider the children’s relationship with grandparents as, this too, can benefit your children.
How you will handle discipline? Will each parent handle discipline on his or her own? If a child misbehaves at mum’s house, should he/she be disciplined by both mum and dad? If a child misbehaves at school, will she receive discipline at both homes, or just the home that she goes to after school?
What will happen in an emergency? In an emergency will parents notify each other before emergency medical treatment? Or after one parent has given consent for treatment? Have you exchanged all emergency contact information with your ex-partner, such as work numbers, home numbers, mobile phone numbers, etc? Sometimes these change when couples get divorced/separated. School officials and all caregivers should have this information as well.
The table below lists some of the things you may wish to consider and discuss with your ex. Who will be responsible for making certain decisions? Will you make the decision? Will your former partner? Will you make the decision together? Remember, children benefit unity, consistency and negotiation. You are their role model, show them how to negotiate and solve problems!! Agreeing ‘strategies’ and showing a ‘united front’ will make your children feel secure, help avoid conflict together and minimise the risk of children manipulating parents!
Remember to talk through your plan, see what works and tweak the plan as you go. Any plan will need to be reviewed to take account of changes in your lives.
| Who makes the decisions about |
You |
Other parent |
Together |
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Household rules and caring for children |
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| Pocket money |
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| Childcare / baby sitting bedtimes |
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| Children’s grooming |
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Clothing children will wear |
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| Computer: software, and video game use |
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| Discipline |
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| Handling behaviour problems |
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Internet use: how much, which sites, etc |
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Meals, overall diet, eating habits, snacks |
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Television: which shows/how much time |
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Toys and entertainment |
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Schools children will attend |
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Where children will live |
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Transportation: Which parent, what times? |
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Children’s friends |
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Friendships/Dating |
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Driving (for older children): car ownership, insurance, restrictions (where, how far, number of passengers, etc.) |
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Overnight visits with friends |
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Contacts with teachers |
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Morals, values |
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Religion |
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Schools children will attend |
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Health matters, e.g. Dentist visits |
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Medication |
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Psychological counselling |
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Doctor visits |
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Any other matters |
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Problems between parent and child may result from problems between parents
Problems may develop if parents send messages to each other through their children. Problems also arise when a parent talks negatively about the other parent/their new partner or their family. Children may feel guilty and unsure of their parents’ love when they’re caught in the middle.
If a parent asks about a former partner, children may report that things are fine, even if they’re not. Or children may say things to make one of the parents feel bad. Again, don’t use your children by putting them in the middle. If you want to know something about your ex, ask that person yourself.
Parents often disagree on how to discipline their children. When mothers and fathers have different rules, children may not respect either set of limits, or they may use the differences to gain power over parents. For example, a mother may change a curfew and the daughter may say to her father, “Mum lets me stay out until midnight.” It’s important to have clear rules and boundaries in your household. Try not to feel guilty if your rules are different than those of your ex. If you are comfortable with rules you have set, stick with them. When it seems you and your ex can’t agree on certain issues, it helps to restate common goals. For example say things such as: We both want to find a solution to this problem. We’re both concerned. We share the same goal. Let’s try to talk about this some more.
After you have discussed discipline and the responsibilities outlined before, it’s important to set a date to look at adjusting the agreement. Changes in life may affect how you juggle responsibilities. A good time to review the shared parenting form is when a child starts a new school year. Parents sometimes feel that returning to mediation or court constitutes some sort of failure on their part. It could mean simply that parents want to continue to work on their co-parenting relationship but need help. Feel free to seek whatever help you need to co-parent more effectively.
There was undoubtedly a ‘build up’ before you and your ex went your separate ways and your children would have ‘suffered emotionally’ because of that. Your children will need to make sense of what has happened and adjust to their new lives. Children can adjust to a variety of living patterns, including living in two homes. How well children adjust depends on whether parents can minimize their conflicts, stop arguing and focus on their children’s needs. It is better if parent’s can agree on one set of rules as this is less confusing for children. When parents can’t agree, tell the children there will be separate rules in each home. Keep them simple. It may be frustrating, but it’s important to remember that your children need you to be a strong, positive influence in their lives. Make a check next to the things you will try to do to ensure a healthier adjustment for your child.
- Focus on your children’s healthy development and that means physical and emotional
- Encourage your children to talk about their feelings about the divorce/separation; accept your children’s feelings about the divorce/separation, even if they differ from yours. Allow your child space and time to adjust
- Remember to keep your children out of any disagreement e.g. do not pass messages to your ex through your children
- Remember not to make negative comments about your ex/their family in front of your children
- Be consistent in your parenting approach and remember, children thrive on a routine
- Treat one another with respect and be prepared to compromise
- Try to arrange your life so your children will each continue to attend the same school and to play with the same friends as possible and encourage them to maintain contact with your ex’s family
Do’s and Don’ts
- Jointly evaluate the parenting plan with your ex at least once every year and make needed changes to take account of changing lives
- Avoid becoming a visitor in your child’s life – consider that both parents should be responsible for raising children, not merely entertaining them
- Try not to compete for your children’s love and attention, for example, by buying them more expensive toys or taking them on fancier vacations than your ex-spouse
- Help your children remain connected to you, even if you are not with them every day by email, telephone, instant messaging, and letters
- Make sure school personnel notify both households in the case of an emergency, or just for routine notices
- Try to provide consistency in rule-setting. Be a ‘united front’ if possible. If this isn’t possible try and help your children understand that rules must be obeyed in each household, just as different rules are obeyed at school and at friends’ homes.
- Try to make the transition from one home to the other as easy as possible for your children. If your children are upset, do your best not to show unhappiness or anger. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings. Think about things you can do to make the transition easier e.g. stop for a snack on the way to the other household or go to the playground and talk awhile.
What If?
You may wonder what to do when an ex manipulates, is over-controlling or is having trouble negotiating with the other parent. When you have strong disagreements, it may be time to re-think the post-divorce/separation parenting arrangement and the ways you communicate with your ex. You might need a professional to help with this, or you might be able to find a good routine through trial and error.
If you and your ex are having a lot of disagreements, or if you see that your children are especially stressed, anxious, withdrawn etc. consider talking to a mental health practitioner, such as a primary mental health worker (see CAMHS section) or if available, a school counsellor. Sometimes, it can be useful to try using the CAF process (see under CAF). It is sometimes helpful for children to be able to speak to a “neutral” third party to help them adjust to living in a divorced/separated family. Accept that you and your ex may differ on key parenting issues. Try to work on finding common ground, especially on the most important issues. Communicating about a few issues is better than not having communication at all, consider some of these
- When a conflict occurs, remind your ex that you have the same goal. For example, that you both want the very best for your children, and that you both want your children to be happy and healthy.
- If talking directly with your ex does not work, try another method of communication, such as writing emails or letters.
find a neutral adult to carry messages to your ex
keep your children’s school informed and build a positive relationship with their teacher
- Try talking to someone e.g. a neutral person to help you build a workable parenting arrangement.
- NEVER discuss parenting issues when the children are around.
- Follow the child-contact schedule, but also try to be flexible
- When transferring your children from one household to the other, avoid discussing important issues.
- Keep conversations businesslike by discussing only non-sensitive matters.
- Keep personal information to yourself
- Focus on what you can control rather than trying to change your ex
- Avoid making unreasonable demands on your ex, such as becoming angry if he or she is a few minutes late.
- If you and your ex can not agree about rules or discipline, try using non threatening ways of communicating to explain your reasons and point of view. For example, if you can not agree on e.g. bedtime, say “To improve the children’s school performance, I want bedtime to be 8:00 p.m., rather than 9:00 p.m.”
- When communicating with your ex, don’t preach or judge, or use sentences starting with “you”. Monitor your tone of voice and body language. (see communication skills for further information)
- Work on finding better ways to manage conflict, and do your best to negotiate or compromise with your ex.
- When your ex picks up or drops off the children, watch your entrance and exit lines and don’t make negative statements such as, “You could have at least given him a bath,” or, “Can’t your ever be on time?”
- Consult a professional if you think the current parenting arrangement may be harmful to your children. For example, if you suspect your ex is drinking, abusing drugs or neglecting or abusing the children
- Teach your children how to get help if you think they may be in a dangerous situation at any time. For example, if your ex may neglect them if he/she is drinking, teach your children how to contact you or a neighbour, and how to make an emergency call for help.
- Find out what community resources are available to help you better learn how to co-parent, such as a parenting education programmes, or support groups for divorced/separated parents. Please see the ‘parenting’ section.
Resolving Conflict – The Positive Way
We can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times which means in everyday life, we may have to negotiate or may have conflict. Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of relationships. So, if conflict is occurs, it is important to find ways to work through it with the least ‘fall out’. When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm the relationship and harm others around (e.g. children). If it is handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict can provide opportunities for growth and strengthen the bond between people. It can also give children positive role models and teach them the right way to resolve problems themselves.
So, what causes conflict? In the main, it is when there are differences in how we view things e.g. values, attitudes, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences look trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal and relational need is at the core of the problem—a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy.
How to recognise and resolve conflicting needs.
To be able to understand our own needs, we firstly have to be in touch with our feelings and emotions. If we don’t understand them because we are too stressed then it becomes almost impossible to understand what your needs are.
If you don’t understand your wants and needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them.
In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognise the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships. When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and painlessly, mutual trust will flourish.
To be able to resolve conflicts, you have to be able to:
- Control your emotions and behaviour. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others.
- Manage stress while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication
- Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others.
- Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster.
Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.
What is an unhealthy response?
- An inability to recognise and respond to matters of great importance to the other person
- Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions – verbal and non verbal
- The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment
- The expectation of bad outcomes
- The fear and avoidance of conflict
What is a healthy response?
- The capacity to recognise and respond to important matters
- A readiness to forgive and forget
- The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing
- A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties
The ability to successfully manage and resolve conflict depends on four key skills. Together, these four skills form a fifth skill that is greater than the sum of its parts: the ability to take conflict in stride and resolve differences in ways that build trust and confidence.
The capacity to remain relaxed and focused in tense situations is a vital aspect of conflict resolution. If you don’t know how to stay centred and in control of yourself, you may become emotionally overwhelmed in challenging situations. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or smooth over disagreements. Although knowing your own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.
The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication includes eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, touch, and gestures. When you’re in the middle of a disagreement, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying, respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. Simply nonverbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or a concerned facial expression can go a long way toward defusing a heated exchange.
You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a playful or humorous way. Humour can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humour and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.
Tips
Managing and resolving conflict requires emotional maturity, self-control, and empathy. It can be tricky, frustrating, and even frightening. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following conflict resolution guidelines:
- Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
- Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem. - Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
- Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
- Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
- Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.
- Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel steadier
- Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on.
- Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.
- No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability
- Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.
- Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel
- Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.
- Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.
- Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.
Learn how to listen. (two ears one mouth so listen twice as long as you speak!!) When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.
Tips
- Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset.
- Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you—from his or her point of view.
- Repeat the other person’s words, and ask if you have understood correctly.
- Ask if anything remains unspoken, giving the person time to think before answering.
- Resist the temptation to interject your own point of view until the other person has said everything he or she wants to say and feels that you have listened to and understood his or her message.
- Encourage the other person to share his or her issues as fully as possible. Ways to do that are by asking "I want to understand what has upset you." "I want to know what you are really hoping for."
- Clarify the real issues, rather than making assumptions. Ask questions that allow you to gain this information, and which let the other person know you are trying to understand. Ask "Can you say more about that?" or "Is that the way it usually happens?"
- Restate what you have heard, so you are both able to see what has been understood so far - it may be that the other person will then realize that additional information is needed…."It sounds like you weren't expecting that to happen."
- Reflect feelings - be as clear as possible e.g. "I can imagine how upsetting that must have been."
- Validate the concerns of the other person, even if a solution is elusive at this time. Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it is conveyed with integrity and respect e.g. "I really appreciate that we are talking about this issue." Or "I am glad we are trying to figure this out."
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